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6:20am 12-25-2011Becky- OK
- Merry Christmas, Taylor. Thinking about and praying for you. xoxo
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11:41pm 12-24-2011KT
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I know that no one asked me for my input and that this will probably end up being obnoxiously long-winded and I'm really not trying to be a Debby Downer on Christmas, but my family and a big group of our friends spent quite a bit of time talking about Taylor tonight (she would've been totally mortified). They have all been following the blog (and those that haven't, now are) and between that and knowing Taylor personally and her backstory and some of the details of her life, which haven't explicitly been discussed here, we had a lot to talk about. We laughed a lot about crazy Taylor stories from the past and came up with a list of our favorite Taylorisms. We also all talked about how while we always knew she would, we still couldn't believe that she actually made it to Nashville. We laughed some more about how anytime someone asked her what she wanted to do when she grew up, she'd end up sitting there talking to them for 2 hours about her dreams. But the laughter was always followed by painful silence. We know that that girl that we had just been talking about and laughing about doesn't exist anymore. The person Taylor was isn't the person she's ever gonna be again. That friend that we had, is gone. Last December, Taylor and a bunch of our friends got together for a couple hours while she was briefly in town. Tonight we all said we wished we would've known what was about to happen. And that maybe we would've made her stay for a few more minutes. And maybe we would've made her retell our favorite hilarious Taylor stories, so that we could hear them one more time. And maybe we would've hugged her a little tighter before she left. And maybe we would've thanked her for everything she has taught us. And maybe we would've told her how blessed we feel to know her. And maybe we would've told her how proud we were of her. And maybe, most importantly, we would've told her that she doesn't have to do this for us.
We kept on referencing the "You can't talk to me about walking away unless you can tell me you're not going to leave me first" line and Taylor's response to it. Joyce, I'm sure it wasn't something you even put any thought into and you're probably like "OMGGGGG why are people obsessing over this??" and you said so yourself, that it wasn't delivered in any sort of harsh or mean way, and I don't think that's what anyone is implying at all. But I think it just struck a chord in all of us because it made us realize the giant, glaring reality that we all have avoided, swept under the rug, skirted around, and attempted to convince ourself doesn't exist for the last 4 1/2 years.
After Taylor got sick, it wasn't like she made a grand announcement letting everyone know. She didn't send out some mass email or post a status about it on facebook or any of that. She just took her time...letting us know one by one when she felt like she...or in most cases, we were ready. No two conversations or scenarios were the same. Some of us got a text. Some of us got a phone call. Some of us learned about it over a cup of coffee. Some of us learned about it over several drinks. But the one thing that was consistently the same, was that she started every conversation with, "I'm sorry." And she followed up the details of her prognosis with, "I promise I'm going to do everything I can to prove them wrong. Please don't worry." None of us asked her if that was what she actually wanted. None of us asked her if getting treatment was what she actually wanted. None of us asked her if putting herself through both physical and mental hell while trying to juggle cancer and life was what she wanted. And I think I speak on behalf of a lot of us when I say, it wasn't until all this stuff happened over the past year that we realized how incredibly selfish we all have been. Taylor will tell anyone that asks her that her reason for fighting and pursuing treatment was because she was a 19-year-old with huge dreams and so much more living left to do. She'll try to play it off like the decision she made was about her. And that it's what she wanted. And that's what she has continued to want through all these years of chemo and radiation and surgeries and doctors and hospitals and hell. And it's really easy to believe that. It's what you want to believe. And when you do see her and she's exhausted and run down and nauseous and in pain, you comfort yourself by saying, "It's ok. This is what she wants. She's fighting because she wants to get better, so that she can live her dreams. She wants to do this." But let's get real...that's a bunch of bullshit. This isn't what she wanted. It's never what she wanted. It isn't about her. It never was about her. She didn't choose to fight because that's what she wanted for herself. It was because of all of us. And everyone else in her life.
Anyone who knows Taylor knows that she's pretty unshakeable. She's tough as nails and it's damn near impossible to crack her. She's also very real and very honest and self-deprecating and you can talk to her about just about anything. No topic is off limits. Except for one. She can talk about what dying would mean for her personally. She can talk about the dying process and what it will be like and where she'll be going after it happens. But if the conversation turns to what her dying would mean for us...she shuts down. She can't do it. She can't talk about it. The only times I have ever heard or seen her get choked up since getting sick, was when I or someone else would express sadness over the thought of her dying. When we all first found out and for those first few months after her diagnosis, I think we all said something to the extent of "I can't believe this is happening. You can't die. I don't know what I'd do without you. I need you around. I need you to be there at my wedding. I need our kids to grow up together. I need to be raising hell in the nursing home with you when we're 90." And she would just lose it. And she would promise us that she was still going to be there. And that she was going to fight tooth and nail to win this battle. And she would apologize over and over and over again for this happening in the first place and for making us sad or scared or any of that. She would just get so.torn.up. If anyone knows anything about having someone ripped away from you too soon and how indescribably painful that is and how hard it is knowing that no matter what you do, no one is ever going to fill that void and no amount of time is ever going to heal that hurt, and that you're going to spend the rest of your life missing that person and wishing that they could be there for all of the ups and downs and wondering what things would be like if they were still around...it's Taylor.
We all quickly learned not to talk about it anymore. We knew not to say anything about her leaving us. Or how sad we would be. Or what it would do to us. So we didn't. Ever. But you did, Joyce. I had tried to convince myself that as the years have gone by, her reasons for fighting have changed and that she's kept getting treatment and she's kept putting herself through all of this because it's what she wants. But I don't think that's the case...as proven by the response she had to you saying that. It makes me unbelievably sad. And angry with myself for being too damn selfish to ever tell her that she didn't have to do this. And now she's suffering and is in pain and spends all her time crying in bed and is probably spending Christmas alone and presumably hates everything and everyone. This isn't the life she deserves. This isn't how things were supposed to be. This wasn't the plan. And it frustrates all of us that were talking about it tonight to NO END because we don't know how to fix it. You can't change the past. And that PISSES me off. Things could've been so different now if we'd just pulled our selfish heads out of our asses back in 2007 and told her to do this for her, not us.
Now that I've written all of this, I don't even know what the point was. It really got me nowhere. I guess the moral of the story is that I'm angry and frustrated and insanely sad and it's Christmas and I don't want Taylor to be alone and I don't want her to be in pain and I don't want any of this to be happening and I hate it. That's all. I just really hate it. Merry Christmas y'all.
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10:59pm 12-24-2011Lisa B.
- I hope that regardless of where you are or how you are spending the holidays, you know that you are loved. Merry Christmas, Taylor.
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7:45pm 12-24-2011Claire
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Sarah, you forgot learning to sew, lying low, hitting the bars, and counting the stars till dawn. TayTay, if you decide you want some Christmas company...we're only 700 miles away. Just say the word. If we leave now, we'll make it there by morning. We won't even make you bake. Ok that's a lie...we definitely would. I want some cookies and fudge...badly.
Sending lots and lots of love and prayers and Christmas cheer your way. xoxo
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7:17pm 12-24-2011Christina
- As we were driving home from the Christmas Eve service, my husband was trying to get the kids to join him in a corny Christmas sing-a-long and Kennedy (who, for everyone else's information, is 7) goes, "OOOO DADDY, I know a good one we can sing!" and she proceeds to belt out, "Mom got drunk and dad got drunk...at our Christmas party. We were drinkin champagne punch and homemade eggnog..." My husband and I could barely breathe we were laughing so hard and when we asked her where she learned that, she goes "Miss TayTay taught me last year." Hahahaaaaaaaa. Thank you for that. I had forgotten that we got to see you last December! I love that Kennedy still remembered all the lyrics a year later. I also love that when I asked her who that song was by she said, "Robert Earl Keen...NOT Montgomery Gentry. They suck." You're the best. My heart HURTS thinking about you spending Christmas alone. I'm praying that you made some last minute plans and that you're surrounded by people who love you. Praying that Santa brings you a really awesome Christmas miracle. Love you, Chick. Merry, merry Christmas. xxxooo
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6:49pm 12-24-2011Sarah G.
- I know that you've always been about remembering the Reason for the season and cringe if anyone gives you a gift and stuff like that and that I'm sure you're perfectly fiiiiiine and dandyyyyy (you better appreciate that song reference) spending Christmas alone, buuuuuuut I'm not ok with it. And neither is my momma or daddy or siblings or grandparents or anyoneeee in my family, so you better be countin your lucky stars that we don't have your address because we've been sitting here mapquesting the drive to Nashville and had plans to show up on your doorstep in the morning. We're totally not above knocking on literally every single door in that city until we find you, so don't think you're totally in the clear..........but yeah, while you're busy sleeping late, losing weight, clearing junk, and getting drunk on apple wine tomorrow, I hope you know that there are a billion people (or at least about 15 of my family members) thinking about you and wishing they were spending the day with you. Merry Christmas, Taysta. xoxo
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5:51pm 12-24-2011Jenny, Anadarko OK
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Hey Taylor, we don't know eachother, but I've been praying for you and following your story for months now. The thought of you going through all this and potentially spending Christmas alone breaks my heart. I hope you're able to experience some holiday cheer in one form or another. Praying for you.
Go Pokes!
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4:43pm 12-24-2011Staci-Illinois
- Taylor, just wanted to say I hope you have a Merry Christmas, I know that probably does'nt mean much right now, but I hope you find some peace and some happiness. I am so sorry you are having to go thru this in your young life, I have a daughter your age and you are one incredibly strong young woman. Peace to you.
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2:56pm 12-24-2011Rachel
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There are few people I know who get more excited about Christmas lights, red cups, Christmas songs on the radio, baking cookies, corny Christmas tv movies, and anything even slightly festive, than you. I also don't know anyone else who goes so far out of their way to ensure that others have a magical Christmas. I'm really praying that you're somehow the recipient of some of the same Christmas cheer and kindness and generosity that you always spread.
Merry Christmas, T. Thinking about you. Xoxo
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12:52pm 12-24-2011Dani
- Oh and I have no idea where that creepy winking face came from. So basically that entire post was a complete disaster. And this guestbook obviously agrees because I have been trying to post this for the last 30 minutes and every single time I got a "I'm sorry. Your message has been marked as spam and cannot be posted." Fail.
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12:18pm 12-24-2011Dani
- Wellllllll....that didn't work. Here.
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12:16pm 12-24-2011Dani
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Heard this song for the first time today since 2007. And I thought of Taylor. Aaaaaaaand I might've cried a little.
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I wish all these things for you, TayTay (and mama is leaning over my shoulder and she just said "ME TOO!"
. Merry Christmas. Hope you're not alone. xoxo
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12:34am 12-24-2011Emily
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Me and Taylor had a really nerdy Christmas tradition that we did every year. We'd go to Walmart and buy the most hideous/tacky Christmas pajamas we could find...and then we would wear them out to Starbucks where for one day out of the year, we'd order one of those 5000 calorie holiday drinks...whipped cream and all...and we would drive around listening to our special Christmas playlist (which we would never get through because we'd end up hitting repeat 10 times on Hard Candy Christmas and Christmas in Dixie...which we would then sing at the TOP of our lungs) while looking at lights. And then we would come home and would stay up all night watching The Grinch, The Muppet Christmas Carol....and Smoky Mountain Christmas & Unlikely Angel (duh). Taylor only came back for Christmas once in college, so for those other three years we kinda had to wing it. We would pick a day and a time and we would simultaneously go to Walmart/Starbucks at the same time. And then we would talk on the phone while driving around looking at lights and would make sure that we had the same song playing. And then we'd hit "play" at the exact same second on the movies while we skyped or talked on the phone all night long. She came back from Nashville for a few days before Christmas last year...and despite the fact that we were now legit adults and out of school and out in the world (and I was married), you best believe that we were standing in line together at Starbucks in matching footie pajamas and reindeer antlers. This is the first Christmas in 9 years that we haven't done it. It's moments like these...as I sit here in the ridiculous candy cane pajamas I bought this morning, watching Dolly strum a guitar while wearing a gold sequined dress, which Taylor has coveted since 1996, and staring at the two Starbucks red cups on the table in front of me (one empty...one untouched), that I really, really, really hate cancer. And I really, really, really miss my friend. And I'm really, really, really angry at the world and God and pretty much everything and everyone.
PS-TayTay, never forget these wise words from Ruby Diamond: "In a world where you have a chance to get wings...anything is possible."
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5:54pm 12-23-2011David - Illinois
- I didn't even know we were having a contest! =) Maybe that's why I read it differently from everyone else. I just took her throwing her arms around you as her celebration of finally, finally finding the one who won't go away. What a relief it must be to her to actually still be able to count on somebody after so many others have let her down. You rock Joyce. I totally don't know Taylor, and I barely know you in a second hand sort of way, but I love you both. You inspire me greatly.
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11:09pm 12-22-2011Caroline
- Bahaha don't feel bad. We're all just bitter that you won the 23 year long contest to have the last word in an argument with Taylor. You got her to cry uncle for the first time in her life. Never thought it would ever actually happen.